Step 1: Put a Sports Car In Your Living Room
The first step in combining audio and women is to transform your system into a virtual hi-fi Ferrari. This is actually easier than it sounds. There are numerous manufacturers making speakers with wild paint finishes, luxurious woods and eye-catching aesthetics. Check out our systems page for all the speakers with supermodel looks.
The number one comment women make when they see a typical audiophile rig for the first time is, “What’s with all the boxes?” Translated, this means she thinks your separate transport, DAC, preamp, power conditioner and triamped solid state monoblocks (each with outboard power supplies) are, simply, ugly. You don’t want “ugly” so hide as many components as you can. However, an integrated with shiny chrome and glowing tubes is a great conversation starter and deserves prime placement.
Step 2: The Hi-Fi Phonics
I can’t advise you on how to meet eligible women (alas, there are no ladies nights at audio expos…yet) but once you’ve ventured into a conversation, you’d better be ready with a fresh hi-fi vocabulary. Women have these things called “feelings” and “emotions” so abandon all talk of measurements. Instead of “-3dB 20Hz-20kHz, 99.9999% OFC, 1000Wrms 8ohms, OMG LOL!” work this into a conversation: “When I first heard about hi-fi, I thought it was crazy. But then I listened and, you won’t believe it, but I actually shed a tear. I’ve never heard music sound so alive and emotional!” See Vince Vaughn in Swingers for tips on successful delivery of this sappy shyte.
This next part goes without saying, but I’d better mention it anyway: NEVER EVER TALK ABOUT CABLES WITH WOMEN. Or cable elevators, expense room treatment, vibration racks, demagnetizers, tube tweaks or cryogenically treated carbon fiber volume knobs. Actually, never talk about that stuff with anyone (except your shrink).
Step 3: Hi-Fi Opens Conversations
Women love music -- more-so then men -- and every woman has “her song.” Women also love to talk so ask them about their favorite albums and artists. If you are familiar with the artist then talk about how it sounds on your rig. “Yeah, Gwen Stephani has the most amazing voice! When I play her on my stereo system, I just know I’m going to spend the next hour in awe, listening to every detail, eyes closed, as if she were singing just for me.” Don’t be afraid of sounding cheesy – the cheesiest material in the world is found in the pages of audio magazines.
Also, know your audience. If you have your heart set on a progressive indie chick, talk about how your low-power, high-efficiency system is the Prius of audio. If you’re marriage minded, cite studies that show how high quality music helps fetal brain development. If sadistic Suicide Girls are your thing, tell her how your super tweeters make kittens cry. And, of course, if you’re shooting to score superficial blond bimbos, just tell her how much this stuff actually costs and she’ll be on your jock ASAP. Whatever your type, hi-fi has got your back.
Step 4: Get The Party Started
By this point, she should be curious about how music sounds over your system. At the very least, she shouldn’t be afraid of your audio addiction. Hi-fi is the perfect excuse to go back to your place for a little quality listening time. If you really feel comfortable, you could just invite her over for a “hi-fi concert.” If you have the vinyl version of one of her favorite albums then tell her how amazing it sounds on your turntable (talking up your 12” tone arm is pushing it).
If the direct approach isn’t in the cards, try dropping hints like, “Friends are always wanting to come over and listen to music on my system – my speakers are more popular than I am!” With a little luck she’ll get the hint and ask to come over.
If you’re getting the vibe she still isn’t sold on your system (read: “sold on you”) then you can always say, “Some friends and I are getting together for a hi-fi concert of the new ____ album. It’s gonna be amazing and you should drop by.” Making her feel comfortable is the first step to sonic seduction.
Step 5: Setting the Mood
Guys, replace your sodium vapor spotlights with dimmable mood lighting. Exhibitors at hi-fi shows always know how to rock the light effects (from years of listening sessions accentuated with substance abuse, no doubt). Ikea and Target sell a variety of trippy lamps perfect for placing around your speakers and providing atmosphere. And pick up the hundreds of CD cases congregated around your rig about like bird droppings. This is the first time she’ll meet your hi-fi system and you want to make sure the first impression is a good one.
Step 6: The Sound of Seduction
Everything up to this point is predicated that you do, in fact, have a killer system. If you’re rocking the Geo Metro of audio, head over to the systems page for rigs that will make her heart flutter.
Now, before she arrives, you’ll want to put together a demo disk. You don’t want to be flubbing with CD after CD so make a demo of your choicest tracks. Better yet, go digital with a SqueezeBox or Sonos and load up a killer playlist. Women love confidence and decision making skills, so spend the time to put together a demo that will take her to sonic bliss.
Step 7: The Finale
Assuming you’ve followed all these steps and you’ve given her aural pleasure, then the conversation will quickly stray away from your audio system to you, her and you-and-her (…against your speakers if you’re a real audiophile).
Good luck, men! After you’ve put your knowledge to use, share your tips and stories in the “comments” section below. Working together, we can all have lives filled with fantastic audio and fantastic sex…at the very same time.
Appendix: The History of Sex and Hi-Fi
Hi-fi hasn’t always been a bastion for albinos and bearded hermits. In fact, hi-fi was once the exclusive territory of the hippest of the hip, the coolest of the cool, the laidest of the laid. But as you know only too well, the hi-fi industry has forgotten that audio and women go together like peanut butter and women. So how did all this come to pass?
Hi-fi was born in the London rock scene – think Austin Powers, short shorts and social non-conformism. Listening to underground rock albums was a part of the rebellious lifestyle; bring over the lady-friends, break out the party materials and let the sweet, sweet sound dispel all social inhibitions. Hi-fi was a psychedelic musical lifestyle, not a cult ruled by Diana Krall and her measurement slaves.
So who killed hi-fi? There are many villains, but no Dr. Evil. The Sony Walkman made music portable and pedestrian, home theater and suburban drywall took hi-fi into the family room and, finally, American hi-fi publications began an audiophile arms race to champion gear with price tags big enough to make Saudi sheiks blush.
But in the shadows of these darker powers, hip music lovers kept the true hi-fi spirit alive. The great SonicFlare quest is to expose a whole new generation to the world beyond tiny plastic speakers. With a little luck, people will realize that owning a killer system is the hallmark of The Modern Man.